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Exploring sexual identity

What do I need to know about how young people explore their sexual identity in the digital world?

Exploring and testing sexual identity and behaviour is a normal part of adolescence, being a teen and growing up. Think back to when you were a teenager…you probably read about sex and relationships in books and magazines, discussed it with your friends and started going out with boys or girls for the first time.

The internet and mobiles have simply given young people new ways of doing this. Now, your child has access to a wide range of information on websites and blogs and through their mobile (eg teen helplines), as well as the chance to socialise with other teenagers on social networking websites and in chat rooms and talk to experts on forums and message boards about issues close to their heart.

Knowing how to support your child as they develop and explore their sexual identity and behaviour is perhaps one of the biggest challenges you’ll face as a parent. It can be difficult and embarrassing – for them and you.

It’s up to you how you approach these conversations, but we thought it would be useful if you had some insight into some of the ways your kids might be exploring sex and relationships online as you might not realise what’s going on. For example, they could be:

  • Using search engines to find information – they could inadvertently come across pornography on the internet or actively look for it
  • Socialising and flirting with people on social networking sites like Bebo, Facebook and MySpace and in chat rooms – these could be existing friends or might be people they’ve never even met in real life
  • Using instant messaging or webcams to chat and share intimate footage with their boyfriend or girlfriend
  • Exchanging intimate or naked photos or videos with other people via text, email or Bluetooth – this is called sexting and is a growing trend among teenagers
  • Going to chat rooms where they can have conversations about sex and relationships with people they’ve only ever met online
  • Discussing issues such as sexual health and sexual orientation in forums and message boards, either with their peers or with agony aunts and health professionals
  • Calling or texting hotlines for dating or for general advice about sex and relationships

Did you know?

According to Beatbullying, more than a third of under 18s in the UK have received a “sext”

You might have read about sexting recently and be worried about the consequences if your son or daughter exchanges photos or videos in this way.

Watch this video about ‘thinking before you post’:

There is concern that some young people are being pressurised into sharing intimate or naked images that could end up in the wrong hands. Some people have also been known to use sexts to bully or harass the sender (by forwarding the photo or video around the school to embarrass them, for example) and the police are concerned that published sexts (on social networking websites, for example) could be accessed by sex offenders. Furthermore, if your child takes, holds or shares indecent images, they could be breaking the law.

What can I do?

  • Make sure that any conversation you have with your child about sex and relationships involves a discussion about how they might use the internet and their mobile to help explore their sexual identity and behaviour. It’s unlikely they’ll tell you about everything they’re doing online and they might be embarrassed, but it’s worth making it a regular discussion point
  • Don’t wait until something happens – let them know that you’re aware of some of the things they might be doing and reassure them that they can come to you if they’re worried or feeling pressurised into doing stuff online
  • If you’re worried that your son or daughter might be taking part in sexting, talk to them about the consequences:
    • Encourage them to resist pressure from their friends even if they’re being encouraged to send a sext “for a laugh”
    • Explain that it’s illegal to take, hold or share indecent images of anyone under the age of 18
    • Discuss how their images might get passed on to other people they know or fall into the hands of strangers (who might use them in a negative way) and remind them that once they’ve sent or posted their image, they can’t retrieve it
  • Don’t deal with this subject alone – there are lots of useful websites (see below)
  • Check with your child’s school whether they cover responsible use of the internet and mobiles (eg the risks of sexting) during sex education classes
  • If you’re concerned that someone has sent your child indecent pictures or videos or that a stranger has made inappropriate contact online, report it to your internet or mobile provider and to the relevant authorities – report it to the Internet Watch Foundation and the Child Exploitation and Online Protection (CEOP) Centre in the UK
  • There are a number of useful articles on this website, providing advice on everything from Bluetooth, chat & IM and social networking to cyberbullying, online grooming and managing reputation
  • If your child is concerned or upset about something to do with their sexuality or a relationship, you could suggest they speak in confidence to Childline in the UK

Where can I go for more information and support?

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How old are your kids?

What you need to know to get started

  • 5-7 years old

    Technology is part of your child's life before they start primary school. They're probably using the computer, the internet and interactive TV for fun - watching programmes on the CBeebies channel and website or taking part in the Club Penguin chat rooms...but they still need adult guidance and supervision.

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    If you have 8-11 year old children, your house is probably full of technology - PlayStation, Nintendo, iPod...the list goes on. In fact, research shows that 8-11 year olds in the UK have an average of four media devices in their bedroom.

    This is a crucial age for young people to embrace new technologies and develop their ICT skills both at home and at school...and it's a crucial time for you to take control when they start exploring the digital world as well as the real world.

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  • 12-14 years old

    They're at secondary school and growing up fast. It's a time of change and their digital world might seem as important as the real world to them. They might spend their evenings on Bebo, Facebook or MySpace ; watching videos on YouTube and uploading their own for others to watch; or doing research for their homework.

    You want to encourage their technology and social skills, of course, so it's useful to understand what they're doing with technology and to get involved with it.

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  • 15+ years old

    Once your children are teenagers, it might be tempting to think that they're tech-savvy and dealing with everything the virtual world can throw at them. You probably watch in awe as they switch from chatting with friends on Facebook to updating their Twitter profile; playing against someone on the other side of the world on their games console to downloading music on their mobile.

    It's all great fun but, as they get older, the things you need to help them to cope with in their digital world are ever more challenging. Far from leaving them to it, you really need to keep communicating with them.

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